Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Bathroom Etiquette

I thought I would post this handy how-to on using the bathroom at Miller Park; however, this goes for any bathroom. I've noticed lately that people seem to have forgotten or never knew how to do so properly. Perhaps they were raised by chimps?

1. When you walk into the bathroom do not announce to everyone "Fuck I gotta piss!" Everyone assumes that you have to piss being that you are in a bathroom. As much as I enjoy vulgarity, that's just dumb.

2. When extracting your weiner you don't need to make some giant arm movement as if it's 3 feet long and then make a grunting noise like it takes a lot of effort. Try not to bump the other person next to you while extracting.

3. Don't use the hole in your tighty whities. If you are still doing this I would assume you are also still wearing Pony high tops as well?

4. If at all possible leave a space between you and other urinal occupants. If there is a space and you chose not to utilize it then you are most likely gay. (not that there is anything wrong with that...)

5. While pissing try to stay as close to the urinal as possible as to not piss all over the fucking floor. I'm not really sure how this happens? Are people standing 4 feet away and making it rain?

6. Do not engage the person pissing next to you in a conversation. If you must talk to someone, under no circumstances should it be about how good the sausage tasted earlier.

7. It is not necessary to make noises like AHHHHHH. It's understood that you are relieving yourself and we all had to stand in line the same length of time.

8. Do not flush the urinal 18 times while pissing. Why the hell do people do this? Do you like the sound of water? Do you also like things that rattle and are shiny?

9. When getting rid of the dribbles 3 or 4 shakes should suffice. If it's 10 shakes or more then you're clearly playing with yourself. While shaking try not to do so in a way that sends droplets of piss sailing onto the face of the person next to you. (This has actually happened to me)

10. When finishing up see rule #2. Repeat.

11. Flush the damn urinal and or toilet. I don't want to smell your asparagus laden piss. Seriously, what the fuck have you been eating?! Perhaps it's time to see a doctor?

And if you were the person who pissed on my shoe at the last Brewers game, go fuck yourself



UPDATE: I forgot to mention washing your hands. Do I really have to tell you to do this? I'd rather not have you reaching into my bag of Funyuns after you just touched your syphilis infested dick. With all the Ebola, Scurvy and the Bends going around it's kind of important anyway.


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