Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Target / Xbox Shim-Sham

This is a long story, but well worth the read.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring except Clowns piece of shit broken ass Xbox from the fuckers at Target...

I didn't think much of it when I opened my Xbox on Christmas Eve and the outside box was a slightly beat up. Nothing major, just looked like it may have been sitting for a while and shuffled around. I took it home from my parents house none the wiser to what was about to become the biggest Christmas pain in the ass ever.

When I arrived home I was excited to get my Xbox hooked up and rolling. I removed the unit and power supply from the box and immediately noticed that the plug and power adapter were totally different. There was no way it was going to fit. Puzzled, I started to check out the system itself and started to realize that what I received was a used Xbox. There were pen marks, dents and random signs of abuse. I called my parents to inquire if possibly they purchased a refurbed system. (at this point I didn't know where it had been purchased) They informed me that it was a new unit and was purchased at Target. They were baffled as to how this could have happened, but I had a pretty good idea as to what was going on...

I couldn't really do much except stew as the next day was Christmas and Target was closed. Clown was getting more restless and angry as the day went on. I knew they were going to give me shit about returning this and I knew I was going to get really fucking angry.

Saturday arrived and I headed down to Target as soon as they opened. I told myself I was going to keep it calm at first and escalate the situation if necessary. (if you've been on here a while you know I have a slight temper and vulgarity problem) I walked up to the returns counter and explained the situation in a calm and courteous manner:

Clown - "I got this Xbox for Christmas and the power plug does not fit. Also, you can clearly tell that this is not a new system. There are pen marks and other imperfection all over. I'm not sure what happened here, but obviously it needs to be exchanged"

The 1st woman I talked to was apologetic, but you could tell the wheels were spinning and she didn't quite believe me. She told me to go to electronics and grab a new one. At this point I was thinking this is way to easy. When I arrived back at the returns counter there were about 8 associates investigating the situation. As I walked back up to the counter I was informed to "Please step back and they would be with me shortly". This was strike one on the Clown anger escalation scale. I stepped back and stood there for about 3 minutes while they pondered what to do. While standing there I looked at the box I was returning and the new one I had brought up. It was totally different and looked to be an older model.

Finally a manager came up and I approached the counter with my anger firmly on level 2. She was not aware of the situation, so once again I explained to her what the deal was. She had the nerve to say to me "This is used. We don't return used electronics". Instantly skipping anger level 3 and going to 4 I said "What the hell is that suppose to mean!? YOU sold it to me in this condition!!" It was at this very moment that another women approached the counter with her child on the verge of tears and said "You sold me this new Nintendo DS and it has scratches all over the screen and the stylus is missing! I had to explain to my children why Santa would bring them USED toys! Now they know Santa doesn't exist. What is going on here?!"

My suspicion all along was that an employee was stealing merchandise and replacing it with used or defective crap. This basically proved my theory... RIGHT!? I said to the manager "See! Same thing! Obviously there is some kind of shim-sham theft ring going on in your store!" The manager then tells me "That situation has nothing to do with yours" It was at this point I think smoke started to come from my head, skipping level 5-9 I was now at full on level 10 fuck you time.

Clown - "Are you fucking retarded?! How can you not see what's going on here. You have an employee stealing electronics you moron. Either you give me a new Xbox or I will call Target corporate and give you a shitstorm like you've never fucking seen! I'm not a teenager. I have money to buy a fucking Xbox. I don't have time for this shit!"

Other male manager that was now helping the other women - "Sir, please settle down. There's no need to swear. We're going to do you a favor and return your unit"

Clown - "Do me a favor?! Are you fucking kidding me? Did you do my dad a favor when you sold him a used busted ass fucking Xbox asshole?!"

It was at this point that the female manager put the new Xbox into a bag, gave me a receipt and I walked out with my hopefully working new Xbox. I was fully my intention to make them open the new unit in front of me to make sure all of the parts were there, but I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

I arrived home and noticed the front sticker on this unit came off really easily. The unit inside was still sealed, the power plug fit and the unit worked; however, you could tell that the box had been opened at some point and some materials including the Xbox live free sign-up ID was missing. There was no way in hell I was going back because I would end up in prison for stabbing someone.

I'm far from done with this however. I will be calling, emailing and snail mailing corporate. I will also be calling today to speak to the actual store manager.

This may be a small blog, but I'll be spreading the word as much as possible about your terrible customer service and obvious employee thefts. I can guarantee that there were many more electronics coming back that day in the same condition.

Thanks for wrecking Christmas not only for me, but for those other kids. What a way to find out Santa isn't real.

This is far from over Target...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Good Bye America's most average baseball player

I don't understand peoples hard on with Cameron. I don't give a shit what some gay-ass metrics have to say, he is the most overpaid player possibly in the history of baseball. Look around at other players making 10 million a year... I bet they aren't taking "bad routes" to balls that cost a team a playoff game. It wasn't just that one either, that one obviously just stands out.

I especially enjoyed your transformation into Rob Deer to finish the season this year. It looked something like this: K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, HR, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, HR

You may have been a good guy in the clubhouse, but that's not worth 10 million.

At least we won't be subjected to your giant super herpes cold sores anymore.

Fucking Worthless.

Good luck Big-Red

I can't say that I was surprised when I heard that Seth McClung was non-tendered, but I was definitely disappointed. Seth always seemed to give everything he had whenever called upon. He also genuinely liked Milwaukee and the fans. Seth became a fan favorite for his condor and excitement both on and off the field. One time in particular that I will never forget is when Braun hit the bomb in 2008 that catapulted us into the playoffs. Seth could be seen running around going ape shit in the bullpen. That was a real reaction, from a real guy, that really cared about this team. It's amazing that of all the highlights in 2008 that sticks in my head.

I wish you the best of luck where ever you land. If and when you return to Miller Park myself and many others will be on our feet.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Junk Truck'n - The WTF Edition

The pictures are kind of shitty because it was on the move, but I think you can see that this is a full sized GMC pickup with what appears to be a Corvette back end bolted on.

Here's a closer view of the amazing Truckvette:

While I admire your ingenuity and crazy welding / mashup abilities I think we need to examine the obvious question of WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS?

Are you attempting to trick people into believing that Corvette released a truck version? Maybe GM would be interested in your idea! You should totally send them pictures of your Truckvette jalopymobile. If GM would have had this idea before they probably wouldn't have needed a bailout.

Somewhere an El Camino is rolling in it's grave.

Latroy Hawkins 2 year deal

Just heard on ESPN radio that Latroy Hawkin's has signed a 2 year deal with the Milwaukee.

Wolf signs 3 year deal

According to a twittter post by Ken Rosenthal, Randy Wolf has agreed to a three year deal with the Crew. Amount unspecified.

Winter Meetings

The winter meetings are upon us and Pornstache has been hard at work trying to land Wolf. It sounds like it could be a done deal today anywhere from 27 to 31 million. I like the Brewers aggressiveness on this. They ponied up right away and basically shutout other teams that may have been interested in bidding. The roughly 10 million a year salary is already made up by dumping America's most average baseball player, Mike Cameron. It's always risky to spend that much on a pitcher even if they don't get hurt (see cold Soup), but it's a risk you have to take to compete. I will go on record as saying I have a good feeling about Wolf.

Melvin is suppose to meet with Barry Meister, Craig Counsell's agent before the meetings are through. Haudricourt had originally reported that Counsell was seeking a 2 year contract, but has since reported that was incorrect and a mutually beneficial one year deal should get it done. We'll need Counsell to fill in when Dick Reeks breaks his 3rd wrist... Trust me, he'll find a 3rd one to break.

Apparently, there were talks of a Corey Hart for John Maine deal. Good. Take your attitude to NY. You'll be wearing your sunglasses all fucking day after someone beats you with a bag of wrenches prick.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm throwing in the towel for 2010

I'm already very disappointed with the moves this off season and it's barely gotten started. Not re-signing Looper will bite us in the ass. How much pitching does Pornstache really think he's going to pick up?! Other teams need pitching too asshole and many of them have more money.

Now it would appear that the hobo is officially out. The Brewers have signed Gregg Zaun for the #1 catching duties next season. Exactly what are we gaining here besides cutting payroll? Nothing. Zaun blows. I can only hope that Lucroy busts out of spring and steals the starting job at some point.

I think are chances in 2010 are slim to none. I will still watch every game as always, but I think this is going to be brutal AGAIN. Unless Melvin can pull something magical out of his ass besides his head, it's fucking done.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Bob Cooper - Man of Action

Bob Cooper is more confused here then when he found out his son was gay from his Myspace profile. He could not figure out why anyone would lock trash? (Especially the recycling bin) How the hell are the street people going to survive if people start locking up the aluminum?

Don't worry gutter snipes, Bob Cooper is fighting for your trash digging rights and he's very important.

Brewers Clubhouse Sale - Julio Machado Mention

The brewers are having a sale this weekend at the Stadium.

The best part about it is this tidbit from Haudricourt:

"A personal side note: Years ago, I went to the Brewers' clubhouse sale and purchased the last jersey worn by reliever Julio Machado, who had been arrested for murder in Venezuela. I gave it to a co-worker for his son. As far as collector's items go, how many folks can say they have a major league jersey last worn by a player convicted of murder?"


Junk Truck'n - Vintage Junk

This amazing piece of vintage junk is a 1962 Ford and it was taken to settle a debt... My question was, who owed who?! Was the debt for like .39 cents?

Of course it wouldn't be complete without being filled with junk:

Why wouldn't you haul around a 90's Thunderbird steering wheel?

If he's planning on restoring this he may want to concentrate his efforts on building a time machine first so he can find the fucking parts. Bondo stock is going to skyrocket.

When the Saints go marching all over your ass

I wasn't really believing that the Saints were as good as their record, but after last night I think it's clear that they are the team to beat. They made the Pat's defense look stupid. That offense is crazy talk.

A Vikings vs. Saints playoff game would be one hell of matchup. I look forward to it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Wedding Story

Went to a wedding Saturday, which normally would be fun if I was able to drink anything. I was still hung over as fuck from the Bucks game and ensuing drinkorama-booze fest Friday night.

The wedding was Star Wars themed. Yes, I'm totally serious. Everyone got a name tag with a different character or item. I was Darth Vader and sat at the Alderaan table. When asked what some of the characters were the bride had no idea. This, in and of itself is humorous, but it's nothing compared to the brief interaction I had with the food server in the buffet line:

Server woman - "Chicken, turkey or roast beef?"

Clown - "Roast beef"

Clown - "Is this au Jus sauce?"

Server woman with really shitty tone "It's beef gravy"

Clown angry from not drinking at a God damn gay Star Wars themed Wedding - "It's called Au Jus Bitch!"

The End.

Junk Truck'n - The Return

It's been a while since I had any of the regular features. Work, generally being busy and early off-season depression have gotten in the way. I figured I would get it started off again with my personal favorite, Junk Truck'n.

I will admit that at first this actually looks like a nice old truck, nowhere near worthy of the coveted moniker Junk Truck; however, upon further inspection...

Holy hell! I've waited so long to find a Junk Truck that is also Truck'n Junk! Some of the items include: Random boards with nails sticking out, soda cans, a tire that doesn't go with the truck, empty oil containers, rebar, grill cover, can koozie, gas can and about 5 wheel barrels full of dirt. (Why wouldn't you haul around dirt?) I didn't think it could get any better then that until I saw the inside:

A backpack and a kids Tigger water float round off the junk tally nicely. I'm not sure what pool he's taking kids to in November, but he should probably have a dirty van with no windows instead...

Just to prove it's Junk Truck'n worthiness I give you this:

Friday, November 20, 2009

Top 10 Prospects

Update: BA is Baseball America, not Brian Anderson. Also, I am officially a retard.

Baseball America has released the Brewers top 10 prospects. I didn't know this, but Tom Haudricourt posted that he and Brian Anderson currently put together the Brewers list. That being said I'm very surprised that two people so close to the organization would place Brett Lawrie as the #2. To me a prospect list should have at least something to do with the Major League need in the organization for their position. If a player is eternally blocked than what is his actual prospect value to the MLB team? If you're adding up what the prospects value is on the market it should be a different equation.

Three of these players were drafted this year.

1. SS Alcides Escobar
2. 2B Brett Lawrie
3. 3B Mat Gamel
4. RHP Eric Arnett '09
5. C Jonathan Lucroy
6. OF Kentrail Davis '09
7. LHP Zach Braddock
8. OF Lorenzo Cain
9. RHP Jake Odorizzi
10. RHP Kyle Heckathorn '09

To me, Lawrie hasn't shown nearly enough to even be in the top 10. His line this year between A and AA ball was:

.274 .340 .436 776

If that's our #2 prospect then we got fucking problems.

angel Salome is nowhere to be found, which is not surprising. Cain is lucky we have a lack of outfield prospects or he would be off the list as well.


Last nights episode had some hilarious parts.

The D.E.N.N.I.S System of dating

D - Demonstrate Value
E - Engage Physically
N - Nurture Dependence
N - Neglect Emotionally
I - Inspire Hope
S - Separate Entirely

Dennis on the pay phone "Welcome to hell! hahaha"

Frank as Dr. Mantis Toboggan "Dennis you've got the HIV, big time!"

Frank "Oops, I've dropped my monster condom for my massive dong"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Rickie Weeks traded for vintage porn

In a somewhat shocking turn of events, the Milwaukee Brewers have traded Rickie Weeks to some guy who lives in his parents basement for his collection of classic porn. When reached for comment Doug Melvin had this to say:

"My mustache made this trade. It seems to have a mind of it's own lately. The other day I caught it about to go down on some chick with a massive bush. It's trying to re-live it's youth or something."

When the mustache was questioned on the somewhat unorthodox trade it had the following comment:

"I needed cash when I was younger and starred in a few films. These films may or may not have involved me and some other dudes. This guy had one of the last copies, plus he threw in a Seka Swedish Erotica. Is this really that big of a deal anyway? It's Rickie Weeks for Christ sake."

Rickie Weeks could not be reached for comment as he was busy cleaning the guys toilet.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Not Rook-Hee of the year

Casey McGehee finished 5th in the NL rookie of the year voting behind Coghlan, Happ and Hanson. Coghlan was very deserving, but as far as Happ and Hanson I don't think pitchers should even be in the mix. You can't compare what an every day player brings to a team and someone who plays every 5 days. There should be a separate award for rookie pitchers.

Colby Rasmus only got 1 vote and Andrew McCutchen got 7. So, they stuck by the numbers there, but not for McGehee? There is just way to much arbitrary bullshit in baseball especially with awards. Either make it by the numbers or don't. I wasn't realistically expecting McGehee to win, but I think he got raped placing behind McCutchen.

Does it really matter where you place if it isn't first? Yes, because I get angry about stupid shit.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Moose is a moron

I was watching the Packer game yesterday and heard Moose Johnston say that when Ahman Green was playing for the Packers he was the best running back in the NFL. Really? Let's take a look at just a few other running backs that were active from 2000-2006:

Emmitt Smith
Marshall Faulk
LaDainian Tomlinson
Edgerrin James
Brian Westbrook
Clinton Portis

Ok Moose. How many in that list are on their way to the Hall? Not Ahman Fumble Green that's for sure.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Wow, Brewers not picking up Looper's option

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Lucroy in the mix

Melvin is giving serious consideration to Jonathan Lucroy catching next year. I called this months ago. Long before he was doing so well in the AFL.

“I know it’s a big jump from Double-A to the big leagues but a lot of catchers have done it,” said Melvin. “Russell Martin did it with the Dodgers, Chris Snyder in Arizona, Kurt Suzuki with Oakland"

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You're a Dick

Nice to meet you cock. It's at times like this that I wish I always carried a sharpie because I'd like to buy a vowel. At least you got the stickers in the right place dick.

I was tempted to tell the host that a silver van with vanity plate "IM DICK" had it's lights on.

Great moments in Balderdash history

When I was about 19 my mom was having a party and decided to bust out the board games. My older brother showed up and she asked us both to play a game of Balderdash. (If you're not familiar with Balderdash it's a game where you basically try to bullshit everyone into believing that your definition read aloud is the correct answer) My mom was the person reading the definitions out loud for this round. The word is "Pucka". She get's to what is my brothers definition and scowls, but has no choice but to read it in front of her friends....

Clown's mom - "Pucka........(Long Pause)........ A piece of shit"

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bob Cooper - Man of Action

Bob Cooper is really cuttin a rug here. He fancies himself as quite a dancer and even tried out for 'So you think you can dance'. During the audition he kept telling everyone how important he was and that the show wasn't even on his radar because "He can kick it old school like American Band Stand". He then picked a chunk of pork out of his mustache and ate it.

Packers... Terrible

What kind of guy stands like this?

Congrats to the Packers for losing to the worst team in the NFL. This is even worse than I had anticipated before the season started. I think a high school defensive line could sack Rodgers at a least a few times in a game. I don't even know who our current offensive line coach is, (because I don't give a shit) but he should already be fired. There is at least some talent on the line, so there is no excuse for getting owned this much.

Mr. Potato Mike Mccarthy and Ted Clearly-Gay Thompson have succeeded in taking a playoff dynasty and turning them into garbage that even Bob Cooper wouldn't dig in.

I'm still waiting for Thompson supporters to admit that he didn't give a shit what this team was comprised of as long as it had nothing to do with Ron Wolf. This was going to be Teddy's team regardless of how bad they are.

I am willing to admit now that Favre is a douchebag, so why can't other people admit that what he brought to the Packers was far more than just his arm. 2 years without Favre and 2 years of sucking ass. How many back to back years did we suck when Favre was on the team? We were too busy being in the fuckin playoffs every damn year.

Friday, November 6, 2009

JJ. Hardy for Carlos Gomez

Mixed feelings all over this one. It's no surprise that he got dealt, but I think this was quicker than anyone anticipated. I was hoping if he were traded it would be in a bundle for some pitching, but they chose to address the outfield hole first. As far as their numbers they were very similar last year as both experienced what amounted to season long slumps.

Gomez can fly, but we'll be giving up some power in Cameron and Hardy as both are potential 25 HR guys. The problem is Macha never gives the green light to run. If we're going to have Braun, Gomez, Escobar and Dick Reeks we better damn well start stealing some bases.

Melvin seems to have a massive hard-on for Gerut. I'm guessing Hart will be traded and Gerut will take over in Right. I think they were a bit surprised when Jason Bourgeios was picked up off waivers by Houston. Not like he was going to be a full time outfielder, but a viable backup. Lorenzo Cain's injury earlier this year was also a big blow to the future outfield.

Anyway... I still think JJ kind of got the shaft with being kept in AAA just enough time to take away a year of service. I don't believe for a second that Dougy Pornstache Extraordinaire Melvin didn't know the timing. If he really wasn't aware of JJ's situation then he shouldn't be a GM.

I want to thank JJ for his years of service here in Milwaukee. He always seemed like a good guy that played hard every day. I'm sure there will be plenty of young slutty girls for you to pork and eye patch in Minnesota. Look at the bright side, if you're there a few years you're pretty much guaranteed some playoff action.
PS. Thanks for the card above that you randomly grabbed at your condo to sign


Hilarious episode last night involving different merchandise they could sell at the bar. Anytime they have the lawyer on the show it's funny as hell. Some of my favorite parts:

1. Charlie noticing the women eating the whole sleeve of Chips Ahoy

2. Dennis offering the lawyer a "Frame Bang" on his wife and the lawyer asking him not to "break into his house and rape his wife"

3. Mac eating the contract

4. Franks idea to sell hard boiled eggs for people to put on their dashboards

5. Dick Towel! The part at the end when they are showing the video to the trade group is classic

Brewers Updates

Mark Rogers got lit up yet again in the AFL giving up 5 runs 2 of which were long balls. he now has a 17 ERA in 7.2 innings. I'm hoping it's mainly fatigue from his first year back from shoulder surgery. He posted great numbers in A ball this year with an ERA of 1.67. If he's not able to handle the level of talent in the AFL than he is obviously not ready to move up to a higher class come spring. One step forward, two steps back, the story of Mark Rogers.

Jonathan Lucroy continues to swing a hot bat this fall:
.379 2 .387

I can't wait for spring to see what this kid can do. Well, I can't wait for spring in general because no baseball is depressing.

The Crew has 10 days to decide if they want to use the options on Looper or Weathers. I would say there is a 0% chance that Weathers is coming back and about a 75% chance that Looper is. Looper picthed better last season than most people gave him credit for. Comparisons to Suppan are completely off base.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm going to get edumacated

I've been getting college solicitations for about a year now for some dipshit name Jefreson who obviously does not know his own email address. It's amazing how many bullshit colleges have popped up in the past few years. I got this email today:

"You may be contemplating college for several reasons. Perhaps you want to start working to earn some money. Or maybe you need to work in order to assist in paying for college"

Maybe you should use proper grammar being that you are a "college" and not start a sentence with OR. Is this like the chicken or the egg? What kind of stupid circular logic is this?

The program gives you off on Monday's, so it may take you an extra couple of days to earn your fake 2 semester masters degree.

"Do you know it's not to late to start in July?" Really? I hope so, it's fucking November

I was offered an opportunity to sign up for a webchat with the faculty next Wednesday. I have quite a few questions that need to be answered like "Can I take online classes on my Tandy 1000?". I will capture the chat and post it on here next week. This is going to be epic.

As you can see I am a transferring from Outer Mongolia University of Canada. I really hope that my credits will transfer. I'm majoring in acrobatics with a minor in Boxing. (not the sport, just putting shit in boxes)

Yankees win and they don't even care

What a surprise. Yankees win.

Judging by the lame almost scripted celebration it was all but a foregone conclusion that they were going to win from opening day. Everyone just seemed so fake and unexcited. I guess when you have already won something 26 times it's no big deal.

Something needs to be done. Time to tell the players union to get bent, time for a hard salary cap.

I was really hoping it would go to game 7 and they would put in C.C. Collapseonya

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Actual Brewers Stuff

It's been depressing watching two teams that I could give a shit about in the World Series, so I haven't been in the mood to talk about Brewers. I think it would have been different if we weren't coming off a playoff year. I just expected so much more going in even knowing the pitching situation. The countdown in my head to spring training has begun. I'm 99.9% sure that I'm heading out there this year, so that will be awesome.

There have been a few news worthy events in recent weeks:

The hiring of Rick Peterson as pitching coach I feel is kind of shitty. I really think that Bosio did an excellent job and deserved the opportunity. Bosio has since been given the position of Advance scout. He'll be going into the towns ahead of the team and doing the scouting report for an upcoming series. I'm glad he's still with the orginization, but I still do not agree with the way he was treated.

Mark Rogers will be representing the Crew in the AFL Showcase game this Saturday at 7:15 CT. The game can be seen on if you have their streaming video package. I was surprised to see Rogers instead of Lucroy. Rogers has been lit up this fall with an ERA over 12 while Lucroy is batting .385 with 2 HR's and 5 RBI's. My prediction of Lucroy being on the starting roster next year looks better every day.

Ben Sheets has said he will be "More than ready" come spring. Looking at Sheets previous offseason training regimen of lifting 24oz'ers at Champps I'm going to call bullshit. Although, if he is actually ready to go I would take him back in a heartbeat if the price is right.

If the Phillies can take this to game 7 it will be interesting to see if the Yankees roll out C.C. Collapseonya. I predict 6 runs in 3 innings.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Bob Cooper Halloween Extravaganza

Bob Cooper was out on the town celebrating Halloween this weekend. I always knew Mr. Cooper was into trash digging, but this night got out of hand. I think it's time for our new feature: Bob Cooper - Man of Action (I've run out of Putin material anyway)

Obviously something caught his fancy in the trash:

Here is Bob Cooper catching up on some Brewers news.

Bob Cooper is from the streets. He had a hot hand of dice all night: (Ashy Larry was MIA)

More to come from your new man of action, Bob Cooper

Super crazy ultimate mega amazing Packers MORNING blitzkrieg update

So, I get up this morning and I'm already pissed off about the time change. It's fucking stupid to have it light out at 6am and dark at 4pm. Why would anyone rather have their extra hour of light utilized while driving to their shitty ass job? I hereby boycott this time change. I will be getting everywhere one hour later.

Then, I turn on the TV like any morning and what do I find? They are doing the extra super duper Packers coverage in the morning now. People didn't get their fill from the extra 12 hours of coverage yesterday? I only want to hear 3 things on the news in the morning:

1. Did World War 3 start?

2. Weather

3. Traffic

(Preferably in that order)

I most certainly do not need to hear recipes from LeRoy Butler. He must need money or something? His gig on the 2nd worst sports show ever on WSSP must not be paying well. WSSP Having jar head fucktard football players commenting on baseball... great radio.

Friday, October 30, 2009


A classic episode last night about wrastling with Rowdy Roddy Piper as the "Maniac". Some hilarious parts:

Frank as the 'Garbage Man' eating trash and then puking in the can.

Frank giving the returning soldier a pair of jean shorts

The 'Maniac' having a bucket of chestnuts in his car

The 'Birds of War' entrance singing about protecting their eggs and screaming like eagles.

Artemis asking Sweet Dee if she got any dick picks because it could be a "Mess down there"

Pigs and Douches

I guess I should talk about sports for once. I've just been in a funk since the Brewers season officially ended. I've only been watching the Series on and off so far as I really hate both teams; however, I have decided that I am officially rooting for the Yankees. Partly because I'm an asshole, but mainly because I hate the Phillies that much. I've been really distracted while watching the games because I keep thinking about stuff like this.

Yeah, it's been really distracting....

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Putin - Man of Action

There are so many things off in this picture. Why is Putin scowling? Was he just told that he's eating cat shit? Is this the Tiger Woods of Korea? It looks like he just hit the links. Maybe that's Putin's caddy who carries his giant fork.

That looks like a nice chair. I could use it in my fart rotation.

Chair-iots of Fire

I've had this computer chair for many years. The back is all bent to shit after I got pissed off playing Counter Strike and had a tantrum. I figured it was time for a new chair. As my girlfriend was wheeling it out of the house she noted "This smells like old spaghetti" This reminded me of the work chair swap...

At a previous job I dropped so much ass in my chair that it started to smell rancid. I decided I would switch the visitor chair in my office with my own. Unfortunately, people started to comment on what the smell was when they would sit down. At this point I had already done some serious damage to the chair I had swapped for anyway, so it was time for a new plan, the 'Conference Room Switcharoo'. I started to rotate my chairs with the ones in the conference room next door. I would say after about a month I would need a fresh chair. Once in a while I would be in there for a meeting and people would comment on what the smell was. I would sit there stone faced and say "Yeah, what is that?".

So, sweety, remember that day you found 5 cheddar melt wrappers? Old Spaghetti!

Monday, October 26, 2009


Lucroy is beatin shit down in the AFL. I've been high on this kid for a while now. I still stand by my statement that he will be on the roster next year. I've never been on the Salome train. He just seems sqautty and injury prone.


Jeff Dugan of the Vikings who was clearly getting revenge from a previous tripping call knocked the
shit out of the back judge Richard Reels. He didn't just run into him, he shoved him as hard as possible. I would imagine there will be a fine for this? Although, that game had some of the worst officiating I have ever seen, so I could understand the frustration.

You can see the video here until they take it down:

Jimmy crack corn

Yankees - Phillies

A team that is always there vs. a team that was there last year. Exciting!

Don't care.


The Packers hammered the Browns, which brings us to this...

At first glance one might think this this person works at a planitarium. Then you see the rainbows and realize that pounding your ass like a drum is on the agenda. (not that there is anything wrong with.. oh to hell with it) Someone was alseep at the wheel at the DOT when they issued this plate. I'm sure some prisoner enjoyed making it. I wanted to wait until they came out of the store to see who would have such a plate, but I forgot my rape whistle.

This also proves my registration sticker theory. See #3

Friday, October 23, 2009

This is why I'm not a psychic

I guess I can throw this away now. My prediction before the year started was a Royals - Brewers World Series. I probably shouldn't be allowed to pick anything ever again. If you see me in a sports book, run.
Although, I must say until the end of June that pick was looking pretty good.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Junk Truck'n

The Big Horn asshole last night really got me going, so I figured it was time for another installment of Junk Truck'n.

I deem this truck, Purple Pride. From the fruity purple paint, to the shit brown stripe down the middle to the red colored cap, it's a kaleidoscope of bad taste. Nothing says bad ass 80's truck like a light purple paint job and mismatched rims. Either this person is extremely color blind or Elton John stopped by to help paint it.

All you need is Rob Halford riding on top in assless chaps and you'll have yourself a parade.

Big Horn, little brains

So, I'm driving home from work last night and I notice a big truck coming up behind me. The truck proceeds to follow about an inch from my bumper for about 3 miles. This is a 2 lane road, with no one else around and I'm in what would be considered the slow lane, so he could have gone in the other lane at any time. (I was going about 10 miles over the speed limit as well). I finally got pissed off and moved into the other lane. As he drove by me I noticed it was the 'Big Horn' edition Dodge pick'em up truck. He didn't get far before being stopped by a red light, so I was right next to him. He started to rev his engine in the BIG HORN and inch forward. Apparently, he needed to prove how big of a man he was by racing my 4 cyliner RAV4. It was obvious that he was just messing with me because I was driving a "foreign" car.

Every backward hick asshole driving a pickup truck has to act like a bad ass. I'm not impressed by your fake Hemi truck that's geared to tow a boat. I've decided that if these fit I'm going to be installing them into my RAV4:

I'll show this prick a big horn next time. A fucking train horn.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Trade Rumor

I heard from a source close to the Brewers that a trade is in the works.

Rickie Weeks is going to KC for a fun size bag of Dorito's and a coupon to Burger Chef.

I fully expect this rumor to get legs and be on Bleacher report.

I'm psyched about the Burger Chef coupon. Somebody's totally getting a Big Chef Burger...

Terrible Calls

last nights Yankees - Angels game showcased some of the worst officiating I have ever seen. A blown call on a pickoff play where Aybar clearly had Swisher dead to rights seemed to turn into a makeup call when Swisher was called out on appeal for leaving 2nd "too early" on the tag up. The worst call though was when Posada got caught in a run down between home and third trying to allow Cano to advance to 3rd. Angel's catcher Mike Napoli tagged Cano and Posada who were both standing off the base. How can you miss this call? Tim McClleland was standing 2 feet from the action and called Cano safe. Is there a new rule in baseball that says you can stand off the base when time has not been called that I'm not aware of? It's not the first time that dumbshit has missed easy calls. Time to take a hike fucko.

The Yankee's won but may have just cursed themselves by saying they will start to sell tickets to the World Series TODAY. How could God not make a team called the Angels beat these assholes?

On another note; I like how Sabathia is pitching awesome in the playoffs on 3 days rest. Where the fuck was that last year? Then again, we did use him like a rental car that you smoke in, eat whoppers with extra everything and do neutral drops.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Random shit out of a box

1982 Dwight Bernard? I have no idea who the fuck this guy is, but he looks like a cross between Mr. Magoo and BTK. On the back he states:

"I spent time in the minor leagues to prepare myself to pitch in the major leagues. High school is very similar to the minor leagues. Go to school and work hard. Don't skip out. School prepares you for something even more important. The game of life"

What he really wanted to say is: "Stay in school or I will rape you until the room stinks and then suffocate you with a plastic bag."

Monday, October 19, 2009

Embarrassing Moments with Clowny McClownerson

A trip to the grocery store for contact solution last night turned into a whole list of items from my girlfriend. So, I'm toward the end of the list and I see "Hand Lotion - Vasoline". Of course I couldn't for the life of me find the damn isle containing said lotion. I went up and down every hygiene isle 3 times. So, I was left with one choice.... Ask the 16 year old kid who worked there.

The look and smirk on this kids face said it all. I might as well have been asking where the fleshlights were.

TIP: Don't go googlin' Fleshlight at work. Wait till you're at the library!

New England ass whooping

This is an awesome picture of Billy Bob Brady. He looks like he should have starred in Sling Blade. I'm surprised Bill Belichick wasn't wearing his usual cutoff K-mart sweatshirt. Then again, he can hide more video equipment in his winter coat...

I hate the Patriots, but I must say that I was enjoying watching the Patriots beating the shit out of the Titans in a snow storm in October. Again with the retro uniforms, but I actually like the old Patriots logo much better. CBS decided to switch games saying "Well, it's obvious what the outcome of this game will be" and then went to the Bills game! I was quite pissed off. Was it only DirectTV that did this? I was able to watch second half being that I have NFL Sunday Ticket, but if I didn't have that I would have been stuck watching a shitty Bill's game.

CBS sports fucking blow. The production value and commentary is just garbage. You could put a lump of shit on the broadcast and it would have better insights than Phil Simms.

Another reason Counsell is awesome

Counsell - 2010

Friday, October 16, 2009

Crew Updates

Both Looper and Counsell had surgery to repair a torn meniscuss in their right knees. I Would be surprised if both were not back with the Brewers next year. Counsell is a free agent, but will most likely not come as cheap as last year given his contributions this past season. Looper has a mutual option.

Mike Burns was outrighted to Nashville to open a spot on the 40 man.

The Atro's are looking to do even worse in the future:

If my 2nd grade math skills are correct, only 128 days until pitchers and catchers report. Feburary 20th. It took me like 20 minutes to figure that out.

Tickets are going up a few bucks for next year for most areas. Brewers tickets are still 4$ under the national average. I'm more than willing to pay the few extra bucks to field a winning team. I'm chalking this year up as a speed bump...

God, please don't let the series be the Yankee's vs. Phillies. I don't know if I could watch that. I think I might hate the Phillies more than the Yankee's if that's possible. This may be due to the following formula:

Corey Hart + Jason Werth = Edge look alikes + tractor tattoos x too tall jones - bad hair + moronic statements +bad entrance music > an ugly wife = I hate the Phillies

Milk steaks

Sunny last night was awesome. My favorite part had to be when they were trying to set up a profile for Charlie and they asked him his favorite food ("milk steaks"), hobbies, and likes and dislikes (dislikes - knees). I forget all of the particulars, but I laughed my ass off at this whole scene.

The date itself was really funny too. The philanthropist/fullonrapist joke was ruined for me after seeing all the various previews for this season and episode so I knew it was coming. I should probably just stop watching previews all together. Speaking of which, next weeks with the Phillies whatever-the-fuck mascot vs. Greenman.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Worlds Worst Recipe

What the fuck does dough have to do with making swedish meatballs? Take ANY other dough? So, cookie dough then? Where's the sauce shithead? Also, thanks for emphasizing FRYING PAN because I was going to cook the shit in a helmet. Who the hell boils meatballs? Is this 'Better off dead?
Fuck you Benson. You're an asshole.

Wendy's Bacon Deluxe Burger - 5 tools

Tool #1 - Being totally overhyped

Tool#2 - Tasting exactly the same as the regular bacon burger that has been on the menu for 20 years.

Tool #3 - Having bacon that is neither applewood nor smoked and being so hard I have brain damage

Tool #4 - Looking exactly like the Whammy Burger from Falling Down

Tool #5 - Giving me 2 strips of dickhard bacon instead of the promised 4

Dave Thomas is rolling in his grave. (Mainly because he was fat)

Awesome Work Conversations

Guy – “My antivirus is out of date. Is there any way to fix that?”

Me – “We are in process of switching software”

Guy – “Avast!”

Me – “What?”

Guy - “Avast antivirus. it’s free”

Me- “Oh, I thought you were talking like a pirate. Like, Avast mate-e”

Guy - "No"

Me - "I like pirates"

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Warsh up

Have you ever forgotten the one crucial step in the morning of putting on deodorant? Then, around 1:30PM, you start getting a little ripe and realize your omission?

Mexican shower.... you're a life saver.

More updates on the way.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Top 10 Highlights

Prince Fielders walk off where the team fell over at the plate made the USA Today top 10 "curtain call" highlights for 2009. I like how when it happened everyone thought it was terrible and it pissed off all the "old school" players, but now when they look back it's a highlight.

I actually laughed when I heard some of the comments from players that said they were "Old School". Put down the steriods, don't use batting gloves, swing an ash bat, smoke a stogie before rounding the bases and give up the whirlpool. Then you'll be old school you douches.

Here's the original story on USA Today. It's under the 'Top News'

Otherwise, Haudricourt had a post about it:

Busy Bee, Worky Worky. Back to regular updates next week.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Cabrera Effect

Looking at the lineups for the MLB teams who made the playoffs and even teams that were in the running util the end, one thing stands out:

Fernando Cabrera - Red Sox -(not on Playoff roster)

Melky Cabrera - Yankees

Miguel Cabrera - Tigers

Orlando Cabrera - Twins

It would seem that a team needs a Cabrera to be competitive these days. I was all for the Mike Cameron for Melky Cabrera trade. Probably should have gone done the Melky way. I'm sure I would be watching the Brewers in the playoffs right now instead of Knight Rider season 1 on DVD.

Throw Back, Blow Back

Watching the Patriots vs. Bronco's game this weekend really got me thinking how out of hand the whole throw back idea has gotten. Most of these uniforms are God aweful. For instance, the Broncos 1960's uniforms they wore on Sunday:

To me this looks like someone took a shit and then pissed on the turd. For the most part there were good reasons to retire uniforms from this era. Those reasons are:

1. They were ugly
2. Shag Carpeting was all the rage
3. People did a lot of drugs

If the Bronco's want to wear a throw back Jersey why not this one?:

This helmet is awesome! It looks like a deranged retarded horse that wants to stomp your children at the petting zoo. Why is it seeing stars? It's probably the LSD kicking in. I can't imagine why this horse got put down...

Even the ref's are getting in on the act:

The Goodwill called. They're missing clothes from their fall hobo collection. Perhaps the mental acid addicted horse helped dress you?

If they are going to torture my eyes with the throw back jerseys they should at least play with the old school rules. Leather helmets, front end zone goal posts, legal face masks and a real pigskin.