Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Wedding Story

Went to a wedding Saturday, which normally would be fun if I was able to drink anything. I was still hung over as fuck from the Bucks game and ensuing drinkorama-booze fest Friday night.

The wedding was Star Wars themed. Yes, I'm totally serious. Everyone got a name tag with a different character or item. I was Darth Vader and sat at the Alderaan table. When asked what some of the characters were the bride had no idea. This, in and of itself is humorous, but it's nothing compared to the brief interaction I had with the food server in the buffet line:

Server woman - "Chicken, turkey or roast beef?"

Clown - "Roast beef"

Clown - "Is this au Jus sauce?"

Server woman with really shitty tone "It's beef gravy"

Clown angry from not drinking at a God damn gay Star Wars themed Wedding - "It's called Au Jus Bitch!"

The End.

Junk Truck'n - The Return

It's been a while since I had any of the regular features. Work, generally being busy and early off-season depression have gotten in the way. I figured I would get it started off again with my personal favorite, Junk Truck'n.

I will admit that at first this actually looks like a nice old truck, nowhere near worthy of the coveted moniker Junk Truck; however, upon further inspection...

Holy hell! I've waited so long to find a Junk Truck that is also Truck'n Junk! Some of the items include: Random boards with nails sticking out, soda cans, a tire that doesn't go with the truck, empty oil containers, rebar, grill cover, can koozie, gas can and about 5 wheel barrels full of dirt. (Why wouldn't you haul around dirt?) I didn't think it could get any better then that until I saw the inside:

A backpack and a kids Tigger water float round off the junk tally nicely. I'm not sure what pool he's taking kids to in November, but he should probably have a dirty van with no windows instead...

Just to prove it's Junk Truck'n worthiness I give you this:

Friday, November 20, 2009

Top 10 Prospects

Update: BA is Baseball America, not Brian Anderson. Also, I am officially a retard.

Baseball America has released the Brewers top 10 prospects. I didn't know this, but Tom Haudricourt posted that he and Brian Anderson currently put together the Brewers list. That being said I'm very surprised that two people so close to the organization would place Brett Lawrie as the #2. To me a prospect list should have at least something to do with the Major League need in the organization for their position. If a player is eternally blocked than what is his actual prospect value to the MLB team? If you're adding up what the prospects value is on the market it should be a different equation.

Three of these players were drafted this year.

1. SS Alcides Escobar
2. 2B Brett Lawrie
3. 3B Mat Gamel
4. RHP Eric Arnett '09
5. C Jonathan Lucroy
6. OF Kentrail Davis '09
7. LHP Zach Braddock
8. OF Lorenzo Cain
9. RHP Jake Odorizzi
10. RHP Kyle Heckathorn '09

To me, Lawrie hasn't shown nearly enough to even be in the top 10. His line this year between A and AA ball was:

.274 .340 .436 776

If that's our #2 prospect then we got fucking problems.

angel Salome is nowhere to be found, which is not surprising. Cain is lucky we have a lack of outfield prospects or he would be off the list as well.


Last nights episode had some hilarious parts.

The D.E.N.N.I.S System of dating

D - Demonstrate Value
E - Engage Physically
N - Nurture Dependence
N - Neglect Emotionally
I - Inspire Hope
S - Separate Entirely

Dennis on the pay phone "Welcome to hell! hahaha"

Frank as Dr. Mantis Toboggan "Dennis you've got the HIV, big time!"

Frank "Oops, I've dropped my monster condom for my massive dong"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Rickie Weeks traded for vintage porn

In a somewhat shocking turn of events, the Milwaukee Brewers have traded Rickie Weeks to some guy who lives in his parents basement for his collection of classic porn. When reached for comment Doug Melvin had this to say:

"My mustache made this trade. It seems to have a mind of it's own lately. The other day I caught it about to go down on some chick with a massive bush. It's trying to re-live it's youth or something."

When the mustache was questioned on the somewhat unorthodox trade it had the following comment:

"I needed cash when I was younger and starred in a few films. These films may or may not have involved me and some other dudes. This guy had one of the last copies, plus he threw in a Seka Swedish Erotica. Is this really that big of a deal anyway? It's Rickie Weeks for Christ sake."

Rickie Weeks could not be reached for comment as he was busy cleaning the guys toilet.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Not Rook-Hee of the year

Casey McGehee finished 5th in the NL rookie of the year voting behind Coghlan, Happ and Hanson. Coghlan was very deserving, but as far as Happ and Hanson I don't think pitchers should even be in the mix. You can't compare what an every day player brings to a team and someone who plays every 5 days. There should be a separate award for rookie pitchers.

Colby Rasmus only got 1 vote and Andrew McCutchen got 7. So, they stuck by the numbers there, but not for McGehee? There is just way to much arbitrary bullshit in baseball especially with awards. Either make it by the numbers or don't. I wasn't realistically expecting McGehee to win, but I think he got raped placing behind McCutchen.

Does it really matter where you place if it isn't first? Yes, because I get angry about stupid shit.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Moose is a moron

I was watching the Packer game yesterday and heard Moose Johnston say that when Ahman Green was playing for the Packers he was the best running back in the NFL. Really? Let's take a look at just a few other running backs that were active from 2000-2006:

Emmitt Smith
Marshall Faulk
LaDainian Tomlinson
Edgerrin James
Brian Westbrook
Clinton Portis

Ok Moose. How many in that list are on their way to the Hall? Not Ahman Fumble Green that's for sure.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Wow, Brewers not picking up Looper's option

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Lucroy in the mix

Melvin is giving serious consideration to Jonathan Lucroy catching next year. I called this months ago. Long before he was doing so well in the AFL.

“I know it’s a big jump from Double-A to the big leagues but a lot of catchers have done it,” said Melvin. “Russell Martin did it with the Dodgers, Chris Snyder in Arizona, Kurt Suzuki with Oakland"


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You're a Dick

Nice to meet you cock. It's at times like this that I wish I always carried a sharpie because I'd like to buy a vowel. At least you got the stickers in the right place dick.

I was tempted to tell the host that a silver van with vanity plate "IM DICK" had it's lights on.

Great moments in Balderdash history

When I was about 19 my mom was having a party and decided to bust out the board games. My older brother showed up and she asked us both to play a game of Balderdash. (If you're not familiar with Balderdash it's a game where you basically try to bullshit everyone into believing that your definition read aloud is the correct answer) My mom was the person reading the definitions out loud for this round. The word is "Pucka". She get's to what is my brothers definition and scowls, but has no choice but to read it in front of her friends....

Clown's mom - "Pucka........(Long Pause)........ A piece of shit"

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bob Cooper - Man of Action

Bob Cooper is really cuttin a rug here. He fancies himself as quite a dancer and even tried out for 'So you think you can dance'. During the audition he kept telling everyone how important he was and that the show wasn't even on his radar because "He can kick it old school like American Band Stand". He then picked a chunk of pork out of his mustache and ate it.

Packers... Terrible

What kind of guy stands like this?

Congrats to the Packers for losing to the worst team in the NFL. This is even worse than I had anticipated before the season started. I think a high school defensive line could sack Rodgers at a least a few times in a game. I don't even know who our current offensive line coach is, (because I don't give a shit) but he should already be fired. There is at least some talent on the line, so there is no excuse for getting owned this much.

Mr. Potato Mike Mccarthy and Ted Clearly-Gay Thompson have succeeded in taking a playoff dynasty and turning them into garbage that even Bob Cooper wouldn't dig in.

I'm still waiting for Thompson supporters to admit that he didn't give a shit what this team was comprised of as long as it had nothing to do with Ron Wolf. This was going to be Teddy's team regardless of how bad they are.

I am willing to admit now that Favre is a douchebag, so why can't other people admit that what he brought to the Packers was far more than just his arm. 2 years without Favre and 2 years of sucking ass. How many back to back years did we suck when Favre was on the team? We were too busy being in the fuckin playoffs every damn year.

Friday, November 6, 2009

JJ. Hardy for Carlos Gomez

Mixed feelings all over this one. It's no surprise that he got dealt, but I think this was quicker than anyone anticipated. I was hoping if he were traded it would be in a bundle for some pitching, but they chose to address the outfield hole first. As far as their numbers they were very similar last year as both experienced what amounted to season long slumps.

Gomez can fly, but we'll be giving up some power in Cameron and Hardy as both are potential 25 HR guys. The problem is Macha never gives the green light to run. If we're going to have Braun, Gomez, Escobar and Dick Reeks we better damn well start stealing some bases.

Melvin seems to have a massive hard-on for Gerut. I'm guessing Hart will be traded and Gerut will take over in Right. I think they were a bit surprised when Jason Bourgeios was picked up off waivers by Houston. Not like he was going to be a full time outfielder, but a viable backup. Lorenzo Cain's injury earlier this year was also a big blow to the future outfield.

Anyway... I still think JJ kind of got the shaft with being kept in AAA just enough time to take away a year of service. I don't believe for a second that Dougy Pornstache Extraordinaire Melvin didn't know the timing. If he really wasn't aware of JJ's situation then he shouldn't be a GM.

I want to thank JJ for his years of service here in Milwaukee. He always seemed like a good guy that played hard every day. I'm sure there will be plenty of young slutty girls for you to pork and eye patch in Minnesota. Look at the bright side, if you're there a few years you're pretty much guaranteed some playoff action.
PS. Thanks for the card above that you randomly grabbed at your condo to sign


Hilarious episode last night involving different merchandise they could sell at the bar. Anytime they have the lawyer on the show it's funny as hell. Some of my favorite parts:

1. Charlie noticing the women eating the whole sleeve of Chips Ahoy

2. Dennis offering the lawyer a "Frame Bang" on his wife and the lawyer asking him not to "break into his house and rape his wife"

3. Mac eating the contract

4. Franks idea to sell hard boiled eggs for people to put on their dashboards

5. Dick Towel! The part at the end when they are showing the video to the trade group is classic

Brewers Updates

Mark Rogers got lit up yet again in the AFL giving up 5 runs 2 of which were long balls. he now has a 17 ERA in 7.2 innings. I'm hoping it's mainly fatigue from his first year back from shoulder surgery. He posted great numbers in A ball this year with an ERA of 1.67. If he's not able to handle the level of talent in the AFL than he is obviously not ready to move up to a higher class come spring. One step forward, two steps back, the story of Mark Rogers.

Jonathan Lucroy continues to swing a hot bat this fall:
.379 2 .387

I can't wait for spring to see what this kid can do. Well, I can't wait for spring in general because no baseball is depressing.

The Crew has 10 days to decide if they want to use the options on Looper or Weathers. I would say there is a 0% chance that Weathers is coming back and about a 75% chance that Looper is. Looper picthed better last season than most people gave him credit for. Comparisons to Suppan are completely off base.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm going to get edumacated

I've been getting college solicitations for about a year now for some dipshit name Jefreson who obviously does not know his own email address. It's amazing how many bullshit colleges have popped up in the past few years. I got this email today:

"You may be contemplating college for several reasons. Perhaps you want to start working to earn some money. Or maybe you need to work in order to assist in paying for college"

Maybe you should use proper grammar being that you are a "college" and not start a sentence with OR. Is this like the chicken or the egg? What kind of stupid circular logic is this?

The program gives you off on Monday's, so it may take you an extra couple of days to earn your fake 2 semester masters degree.

"Do you know it's not to late to start in July?" Really? I hope so, it's fucking November

I was offered an opportunity to sign up for a webchat with the faculty next Wednesday. I have quite a few questions that need to be answered like "Can I take online classes on my Tandy 1000?". I will capture the chat and post it on here next week. This is going to be epic.

As you can see I am a transferring from Outer Mongolia University of Canada. I really hope that my credits will transfer. I'm majoring in acrobatics with a minor in Boxing. (not the sport, just putting shit in boxes)

Yankees win and they don't even care

What a surprise. Yankees win.

Judging by the lame almost scripted celebration it was all but a foregone conclusion that they were going to win from opening day. Everyone just seemed so fake and unexcited. I guess when you have already won something 26 times it's no big deal.

Something needs to be done. Time to tell the players union to get bent, time for a hard salary cap.

I was really hoping it would go to game 7 and they would put in C.C. Collapseonya

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Actual Brewers Stuff

It's been depressing watching two teams that I could give a shit about in the World Series, so I haven't been in the mood to talk about Brewers. I think it would have been different if we weren't coming off a playoff year. I just expected so much more going in even knowing the pitching situation. The countdown in my head to spring training has begun. I'm 99.9% sure that I'm heading out there this year, so that will be awesome.

There have been a few news worthy events in recent weeks:

The hiring of Rick Peterson as pitching coach I feel is kind of shitty. I really think that Bosio did an excellent job and deserved the opportunity. Bosio has since been given the position of Advance scout. He'll be going into the towns ahead of the team and doing the scouting report for an upcoming series. I'm glad he's still with the orginization, but I still do not agree with the way he was treated.

Mark Rogers will be representing the Crew in the AFL Showcase game this Saturday at 7:15 CT. The game can be seen on MLB.com if you have their streaming video package. I was surprised to see Rogers instead of Lucroy. Rogers has been lit up this fall with an ERA over 12 while Lucroy is batting .385 with 2 HR's and 5 RBI's. My prediction of Lucroy being on the starting roster next year looks better every day.

Ben Sheets has said he will be "More than ready" come spring. Looking at Sheets previous offseason training regimen of lifting 24oz'ers at Champps I'm going to call bullshit. Although, if he is actually ready to go I would take him back in a heartbeat if the price is right.

If the Phillies can take this to game 7 it will be interesting to see if the Yankees roll out C.C. Collapseonya. I predict 6 runs in 3 innings.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Bob Cooper Halloween Extravaganza

Bob Cooper was out on the town celebrating Halloween this weekend. I always knew Mr. Cooper was into trash digging, but this night got out of hand. I think it's time for our new feature: Bob Cooper - Man of Action (I've run out of Putin material anyway)

Obviously something caught his fancy in the trash:

Here is Bob Cooper catching up on some Brewers news.

Bob Cooper is from the streets. He had a hot hand of dice all night: (Ashy Larry was MIA)

More to come from your new man of action, Bob Cooper

Super crazy ultimate mega amazing Packers MORNING blitzkrieg update

So, I get up this morning and I'm already pissed off about the time change. It's fucking stupid to have it light out at 6am and dark at 4pm. Why would anyone rather have their extra hour of light utilized while driving to their shitty ass job? I hereby boycott this time change. I will be getting everywhere one hour later.

Then, I turn on the TV like any morning and what do I find? They are doing the extra super duper Packers coverage in the morning now. People didn't get their fill from the extra 12 hours of coverage yesterday? I only want to hear 3 things on the news in the morning:

1. Did World War 3 start?

2. Weather

3. Traffic

(Preferably in that order)

I most certainly do not need to hear recipes from LeRoy Butler. He must need money or something? His gig on the 2nd worst sports show ever on WSSP must not be paying well. WSSP Having jar head fucktard football players commenting on baseball... great radio.